On the various benefits of kitty litter

I like to think of myself as a cat litter connoisseur. I only have one cat, but I find it necessary to remove her waste into a lead biohazard tank every few hours.

Let us be like Dutch uncles. I do not fill my cat’s crappin’ box with sand. I buy the good stuff. I’m talking Arm & Hammer brand Stench Soaker Crystals for Multiple Sick Cats.

And yet, when come I home, I find that my cat either craps sixty times a day, or else invites her friends over. Or maybe she has a friend cougar. Something comes along, at any rate—perhaps some sort of cat litter fairy--and transforms the waves of smooth textured litter into a minefield of foul smelling clumps.

And it is the merits of these clumps that I wish to extol.

In olden days, see, I might have been forced to find some lesser projectile with which to assault the neighborhood dogs. Old apples or acorns, perhaps. But certainly not the Lovecraftian fecal matter, forged in the hell-bowel of the blackest cat, with which I am now provided. (She has a white patch on her tummy. We don’t discuss it.)

I swear on my mother’s Chihuahua’s grave, these clumps can kill a four pound dog. Maybe it’s their weight. Maybe it’s jagged shape. Most likely, it’s the solid tendrils of odor that actively seek mortal throats to strangle.

I used to have trouble with the local wildlife digging through my trash. No more. A clump in each barrel, and I find dead animals all over the driveway, every morning. And once a week, a garbage man crawls to my doorstep and manages a final, “Why?” before choking on his last breath and falling dead upon my bunny slippers.

Maybe I’m exaggerating.

But then, maybe I’m not. So keep your damn dog out of my yard.

Forum Humor. Don't mind me.

If you're reading this blog, obviously, you adore me. Which means you like the things I like, or else you want to know what I like so that you can like it too. You've always had great judgment like that.

Since you either like or want to like the Absolute Write forums, I'm going to give you a guide on how to read the forums and to quickly ascertain which threads are good, which threads are bad, and which threads are likely to have Orlando Bloom. (Hint: these threads will contain the word "Poll" in their title.)

I know what you're thinking, America: "I could just read the threads myself." No, no, no. See, you need me to tell you what to think. That's why you opened my blog. Now stop worshiping me long enough to learn the preferred method of browsing the Absolute Write Forums.

First off, skip all the way down to Share Your Work, where authors exchange critical writing advice with one another. Don't read any of the stories--the authors there want nothing more than to be left in peace, and none of them are really expecting any feedback. Instead, scan for threads with lots of posts. This usually means someone left a harsh critique and shattered some communist teenager's soul, forcing him to go all Genesis 19:26 on the critic. Guaranteed hours of fun! Expect at least one person to get banned, and six others to get some sort of warning.

Second, pop into the Politics forum. Check for posts with less than six replies, and insult the OP. I recommend something along the lines of, "Whoever you voted for, he must have sucked," or, "Why do you think that? Bart doesn't think that, you imperialistic dog." Whatever you do, don't read the forum rules, and absolutely do not read any posts from the mods, and whenever you see that an administrator or mod has posts, immediately jump in and flame the OP. In fact, go ahead and put all of the moderators and administrators on "Ignore." I'll wait.

Next stop, the Round Table, where authors swap miscellaneous writing advice. Immediately find one of my threads, or a thread I've posted in, and endorse it. No compliment is to big, no rep-point too mushy. By showing that you like me, the other posters will see your good taste and begin admiring you. Not as much as they admire me, but it's a start. Whatever you do while you're in the Round Table, do not contribute more than one line of text to any given thread. No one goes there to read.

Unless I post something.

After that, head over to the novel forum, and then, in a separate window, navigate to the search function. Find a thread asking any sort of question, and then search for keywords related to that topic in the Novel forum. Most questions have already been asked, so you can easily find one or six threads on the same topic. Find any related thread over two years old and then reply to it with the word "Bump." Then go back to the new thread, and say, "Geez, didn't you see the other thread about this? It's right under this one!" Bonus points if the mods merge your threads and then yell at you.

After that, you're on your own. I give you permission to read other threads and form your own thoughts--unless of course they go against my will in any way, shape or form. Remember the guidance I've given you here, and you too will someday become a forum legend.

But I'll still be legendyer.