Critique #1: Devil's Angel

I pulled this from the Romance Share Your Work forum at Absolute Write, with the author's permission to critique it here.

Chapter One

“You want to do what to my what?” Nicholas asked. The music in the club was sonic-boom loud. Between drinks, he eyed the bartender at Heaven’s Gate. The local hangout for angels and the devil’s minion [Missing punctuation!]

I’d really like some indication that the bartender is female when you introduce her.

Do you mean Devil’s minion, singular, or Devil’s minions, plural? Why would demons hang out at a place with such a biased name? This is a detail you need to explain, but in the snippet I’ve got – you don’t.

Smiling, she said twice as loud as the first time, “I want to fill your glass, on the house.”

“Oh.” Laughing, he wiped his hand across his chin, slightly embarrassed. “I thought you said you wanted to feel my ass and pounce on my mou--never mind.”

This is cute, and I think you’ve got a functional opening, but I have a hard time believing that Nicholas really confused “on the house” with “pounce on my mouse.” Is he being silly or serious? It’s early enough in the book that a detail like this can jar the reader away.

The bartender arched a blond eyebrow. With a quick retort [missing comma] she answered, “That could be fun. I bet it’s more like a snake, though, not a mouse.” [In my opinion, With a quick retort, she answered is redundant. The retort is the following dialogue, yes? Or are you describing the dialogue as a quick retort? Either way, I’m thinking about it too hard. I suggest revising.]

Heat rose to his cheeks, [Comma usage error] as he spit out answers by rote. Though he acted like any other customer at the bar, relaxed and jovial, inside he was rigid and tense.

Consider this: You’ve told me that he’s rigid and tense, but without telling me why. Perhaps you could give some sensory information here instead, and show that he’s rigid and tense, while simultaneously giving a reason.

“Most definitely. But you can only touch if I get to feel yours after. Your ass, that is.” And from what Nicholas could see, she had a very nice ass.

I read through to this point twice, and I think it’d be much clearer with a speaker tag of some sort.

“That’s doable,” she said with a curious smile. “You gonna show me your wings?”

This may sound harsh, but I think all the other dialogue before this is just getting in the way. IMO, describe the bar, show us Nicholas and a sexy bartender, and have the first words uttered be, “You gonna show me your wings?” I think this would be a lot more powerful.

“Nah, that would be conceited of me. I’m not that kinda guy.” Always alert, he glanced around.

IMO, stick a speaker tag in here--and if you need to show him looking around and being alert, give it its own paragraph. This is a chance to give the reader more sensory detail.

“You know how the other male angels are about size. I don’t want to boast.”

For the briefest moment, I’m unclear about who is speaking. You don’t want this to happen! Confusion will make readers put your book down. Speaker tags!

She laughed a flirty, feminine laugh. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours,” she teased.

Nicholas gave her a forced, but dazzling smile. “Deal. Later, eh?”

I’m not against omniscient third person perspectives, but be aware that they’re not in vogue right now. Describing his smile as dazzling betrays a bias, but I’m not sure whose.

This could’ve been fun, if he weren’t in such a foul mood. He hadn’t flirted in a long time, but imagined it was like riding a bike. At least humans always used that phrase. The only bike he’d ever ridden was a Harley.

To me, this is a close-in third person perspective, with the camera slightly inside Nicholas’s head. But in the paragraph above, you were a bit more omniscient—or, at least, your camera was in the head of a narrator who thought Nicholas had a dazzling smile.

Flirting wasn’t something he’d even considered tonight, but for some reason he forced himself.

[Why is he at this bar, then? His motive for being here has just become very muddy, and you’re not offering me an explanation.] Somehow, he thought it would magically take away his desire for Noelle. Under any other circumstances if he wanted to have sex, it was a quickie with whoever happened to be on the same wavelength as he was. In and out, literally. [Eww! Nice line, but—Ewww.] There was definitely no flirting involved.

Matter of fact, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d been with a female for sex. [Is Nicholas bisexual? If not, consider rewording this first line. It makes me think that he may have sought out some steamy man-on-man action at some point, even though the next line jibes against this.] He’d thought of taking a vow of celibacy. For approximately thirty seconds he considered it. [Cute line! Find a way to kill the adverb and make the line shorter and snappier.] Even if he were serious, it would take the approval of the Alpha and Omega [You’re missing punctuation here.] the real power couple. The puppet masters.

Nicholas wiped the condensation off the glass he held, thinking of a clever follow-up. He had none. No wonder I don’t flirt anymore.

The ice in his glass slowly melted, diluting the gin he was about to imbibe—for medicinal purposes. [The word imbibe surprised me here. It’s used correctly and all that, but it seems to go against the grain of the style you’ve been writing in.] The mind-numbing properties he loved so well were just what he needed, [Wrong punctuation: consider splitting this into two sentences, even, if different punctuation doesn’t work.] designed to cloud his better judgment. If there was any better judgment left in him, which he seriously doubted. [Good line.]

He swiveled on his seat and eyed the various angels and devil’s minions swaying and jumping on the dance floor. I’d once been just like them, [This jarred me. If other readers have said something about this line, I’d really consider revising it.] he thought as he lit the cigarette dangling from his swollen lip, a souvenir from a recent brawl.

Angels that smoke, drink and brawl. I like it.

Being carefree and looking for the next high had its perks. Bedding the next female on his long “to do” list used to be something he looked forward to.

You always use male and female and it really sounds inorganic. You’re inside Nicholas’s head most of the time, and I just don’t believe that he uses such sterile words.

Lately, emptiness filled him inside. [I’m picking a nit here, but how can emptiness fill something?] Years of battle wore on his soul like waves on a sandy beach leaving a yawning chasm of barrenness. The burdens in his life were eroding him bit by bit, until there was only a shadow of who he used to be. He once was proud and happy. But that was over a thousand years ago.

I think your POV has slipped again. Is this how a narrator would say this, or how Nicholas would say this?

Things were different now.

He thought [Filtering] about how he changed [Show versus Tell. It’s easy enough to show someone thinking.]. How he was not the same angel he’d been. [IMO, strike the first two lines in this paragraph.] Yes, he cared, [about?] but not in the angelic global way an angel is supposed to, it was in a more human way. And he cared about a very specific person, Noelle Spencer—in a very specific way—with all his heart and soul.

Out of the throng of sweaty bodies Nicholas noticed a hulking male pointed toward the bar, heading straight for him. The angel’s voice thundered over the loud music. “Hey, look who’s here. The oldest rookie angel in existence.” [I like this.]

Where are the Devil’s minions?

Bloody hell, it was Michael. The archangel’s arm stretched behind him, holding onto a beautiful golden-haired female. Gabriel.

Isn’t Gabriel traditionally a male? I like that you’re changing the mythology around, but I think some readers might be jarred here.

After guzzling down the rest of his drink, he growled, “Fuck you, Michael.” [People don’t exactly chirp “fuck you,” so I think your speaker tag is a bit redundant. Still, I kind of like the word where it is. I’m always torn on the raging debate about what is and is not a speaker tag. If you decide this needs your attention, focus on it last.]

He [Reword this so that you don’t open up with a pronoun. It’s confusing, though only for a moment.] nodded and winked at Gabriel, wondering how she put up with Michael. It totally baffled Nicholas. One of life’s secret mysteries, he supposed.

Gabriel was a sweet and kind, go-with-the-flow angel. Michael was the polar opposite. Not a very angelic personality trait, but who was he to talk. Then again, Michael did have the title of The Warrior and was a member of the hierarchy.

Nicholas was not. One thing or another always seemed to keep him a level above the lowly guardian status. Not that he considered guardianship a lowly position, but other angels did. In fact, he took his job very serious. [Nicholas is or isn’t a Guardian Angel? I can’t tell.] To the point where he had been teaching a few classes at the Academy about the responsibilities of the guardian angel, after all, he’d been at it long enough. [You imply that he IS a guardian angel, but state that he isn’t. Revise for clarity.]

I really like your vision of the angelic hierarchy, though. It’s a nice bit of world building.

As soon as he walked into the club that night, Nicholas realized he should’ve taken a table in the secluded VIP section. [Can he do that? I thought he was the low angel on the totem pole.] He wasn’t feeling very social tonight. His body ached to either beat the shit out of someone, or have the shit beaten out of him. Feelings, which were becoming more frequent lately, along with a sudden rash which would sometimes cover his whole body. [Huh? This sentence doesn’t make sense to me. Do angels break out into rashes when they get emotional, in general? If so, you need to specifically say so.] When the Almighty told him he was forbidden to see Noelle, his skin turned lobster red [Missing comma] like some [delete some, IMO] humans look after a day in the sun without sunscreen.

At this point, he wasn’t particularly interested in making small talk. And Michael was the last being he wanted to deal with.

Nicholas knew Michael loved a good fight. In fact, Michael loved any kind of battle as long as he could kill someone. Preferably a demon, but he’d been known to take out some really bad-ass humans. Something only Michael could get away with and maybe Lucifer.

Is Lucifer the angel of light, here, or the devil? I ask because, so far, everyone’s been an angel.

He watched as Gabriel, the slender female angel, kissed Michael’s cheek. “I’ll be back. I want to see what Lorenzo’s cooking in the kitchen,” she said to her mate. “You boys play nice.”
He observed [Filtering] as Michael kept his midnight blue peepers [Peepers?] on Gabriel. She disappeared through the heavy wooden doors down the hallway to their right. Michael then sidled up next to him.

Nicholas roughly motioned for the bartender to refill his glass. Placing a heavy hand on Nicholas’s shoulder, his muscles bunched up tightening underneath his T-shirt, Michael broke the silence. “Word is you were offered the position to look into the Abraxas organization. You gonna do it?”

[If the bartender isn’t the romantic interest, the paragraph above is where your story actually starts. Romance, if I recall correctly, has a rule about the hero and the romantic interest meeting on page one. So ask yourself which genre you’re writing in.]

“Does everyone know my business?” Nicholas lifted the glass to his spilt lip, swallowing half of the gin. He turned up the dial on his nasty meter. “What the fuck do you care anyway? You supposed to shadow me?”

Michael’s tone was calm. “Nah, you’re on your own with this. It’s go time for you. High stakes. You fail you’re back to guardian status. I tried to help you the last time but you’re too much of a hothead.” He pointed to Nicholas’s bruised lip. The taunting undertone in Michael’s voice was clear. [It isn’t clear to me.]

Hothead. Ha! “A bar fight last night with a human. I had to lose, of course. Stupid rule passed down from the Almighty: Angels could not to [Could not to?] beat up on the [Why use the definite article? Is there more than one type of human?] humans. No exceptions.”

“Make that almost none,” [I have no idea what this means.] Michael jibed his friend.

Oh, Michael was so looking for an ass kicking.

I think you're off to a good start. The story needs to have already started, though, and I really don't see that it has. You've got a fine writing voice, however, and the problems I noticed are all very fixable. I'm a enchanted with your world building.

If this had been in a bookstore, I probably wouldn't have bought it. But I might have looked at something else with your name on it. I hope I get to see a revision.

Bart Out.